Let's Try This

 

I'm depressed and anxious, still (and will be until at least November 6) but I'm hoping doing NaNoWriMo will help ease some of that.

Ideation

 First of all, I am not actively suicidal so don't worry about that.

I do, however, have frequent suicidal ideations. Mostly, though, I'm just hoping that I go quickly and easily. And fairly soon. I don't particularly look forward to getting old and having to depend on people to do things for me or take care of me.

With that said, the f'ing Buffalo Bills are making me want to stick it out for at least another year and a half or so. I would like to see them get back to the Super Bowl one more time (I'm not counting on a win) but it's painfully obvious that, barring a miracle, it's not going to happen this season.

Must be the universe has other plans for me and Josh Allen, Micah Hyde and the guys. I hope the Super Bowl is in the plans for next year.

Speaking of plans, I have no plans to kill myself. A few years ago I had a plan but that is no longer an option. I've gotten better meds since then, too. I'm wondering if I should ask my doctor for another meds adjustment. The only reason I haven't yet is that I'm afraid she's going to suggest counseling or therapy. I don't want to do that. I can write about my feelings, but I cannot talk about them. 

Don't Care, Can't Care

 I don't feel all of this now, but I do feel some of it. I hope I don't go here completely. I'm trying not to, except for the "quick and passive" part. As soon as I get my apartment the way I want it (the way I want to be remembered) I'll be more than ready. 

Fetal position

Warm blanket

Cool pillow

Should be comfortable

But

Anticipation of the

Shrill meep meep meep of the alarm

Keeps me from getting that

Extra 45 minutes

Suck it in

Trying to fasten one of

Only two pairs of pants that

Fit me

Why can’t I get

One of those sicknesses that make you

Lose weight

Then again

I don’t remember

The last time

I ate a vegetable

But

Anxiety attacks in the

Produce section

Healthy women in

Yoga pants and

Perky ponytails

Look at me with pity

Or

I think they do

I wouldn’t do it

Probably

But

After a bad car crash

I wouldn’t fight

Sometimes

I wish for a crash

Or

Something else

Quick and

Passive

Can’t

Concentrate

Can’t

Find the right words

Can’t

Sleep

Can’t

Make phone calls

Can’t

Get warm

Can’t

Stop sweating

Can’t

Read

Can’t

Write

Can’t

Get rid of the headaches

Can’t

Care