Unconscious Mutterings

1. Colorblind:: nothing, nada, zip; I'm drawing a blank
   
2. Shallow:: Deep
   
3. Erotica:: Sexy stories I wish I could write better
   
4. Figment:: of your imagination
   
5. Eviction:: notice
   
6. Composed:: wrote
   
7. Chill:: The Big
   
8. Girl:: Boy
   
9. California:: Bloggin' (along with a bazillion other things including I miss it & wish I was there right now)
   
10. Bond:: James
    

Self-destructive

I don't know exactly what's come over me the last few days. It's some kind of depression. Something I haven't felt in almost 2 years. Ya know, some people drink when they feel this way. Some people cut themselves. Some people get high. I eat. That's all I've done all day. I think I've eaten more carbs today than I have in the last six months combined. I feel like crap but I don't want to stop. I did stop anyway though. But what am I doing now? Drinking Jim Beam & Lime Diet Coke, despite the fact I know the caffeine will keep me awake all night. I don't fucking care. Right now I don't fucking care about anything ... except getting a prescription for Zoloft or something if this keeps up. I know I can't deal with another "sex & suicide" chapter in my life. The last time I felt this way sex & suicide were the only two things I ever thought about. The worst part of it was thinking about sex made me sad while thinking about suicide calmed me down. I guess now I'm glad I couldn't decide how I wanted to do it. Except for the last few days, I'm basically a happy person. My life is pretty darn good right now under the circumstances. So why am I so unhappy? I wish I knew. I wish I could pull myself out of this. Maybe an extra long walk tomorrow will help. Get those endorphins flowing. Get me on a natural high. We'll see. For now, I'm glad I only had enough Diet Coke left for one drink. The carb hangover I had this morning was bad enough. I don't need a Jim Beam hangover. Tomorrow I'm going to try to be happy. I really am. No matter what. Yeah. Right. I'm already wondering what's going to stand in my way. This really sucks. People have called me a lot of things in my life but "pessimist" was never one of them. Maybe I just hide it too well. I think I'm afraid no one will care if I'm sad so I rarely tell people when I am. No one caring would be worse than being sad. I'm usually the person who tries to cheer up other people. I'm always telling people to look on the bright side and there's a light end the end of the tunnel. So why can't I see it when I feel this way? I think what I need more than anything right now (besides the good cry I feel coming on) is for someone to tell me I matter. If no one's going to tell me, I wish someone would just kill me and get it over with.

Do you ever watch funerals and hear all the things people say about the dead person and wonder what people will say about you when you're dead? Do you ever see all the people who show up at funerals and wonder who will show up at yours? Do you wonder who will send flowers or cards? Do you wonder if anyone will cry? I do. My mom & my sister would cry, but they cry at everything. I can't see anyone else even giving a shit. In fact, I think most people would be relieved that they don't have to deal with me anymore. I know I'm just feeling sorry for myself but that's what I think. I can't think of one person -- not even one -- who would truly miss me if I died tomorrow. Sad commentary, don't you think? I know a lot of people have touched my heart, but I can't think of anyone's heart I touched. Nick, maybe. Yes, definitely Nick. So, that's one. One in almost 44 years of being on the planet. I suppose that's better than none, but it's still not a very good percentage.

Bloggin' for Charity

I've never done a blogathon before but I've wanted to for years. Seems something always got in the way. But I'm doing it this year. The charity I chose is the McKean Potter Counties Chapter of the American Red Cross. I volunteer for their Meals on Wheels program and I love it! I know it's kind of strange to get a good feeling from putting spoonfuls of applesauce into Styrofoam containers, but I do. I feel as if I'm contributing much more than applesauce. I guess I just like helping people. Anyway, if you'd like to help me help other people, please sponsor me. Go to project-blog.org and follow the directions. Thanks so much ... and the Red Cross will thank you, too! <3

More ranting or venting ... whatever

I'm also kind of sad and confused. I know GSG likes me as a person. And I was thrilled beyond words yesterday at the expression on his face when I walked into the room when he wasn't expecting me to be there. So why won't he take the next step? Maybe he just likes me as a friend person to hang out with every now & then. But I like him so much! It's unbearable sometimes. But then ... and this is just the beginning of the confusing part ... I like this other guy, too. Let's just call him Mr. BB. I've liked him for as long as I can remember, but nothing's happening there either. Then, there's another guy I know I shouldn't like but I can't help myself. I know it's just a physical thing but it's there. For me. For him? Not so much. Then, of course, as always ... a-l-w-a-y-s ... there's GEG. I know it's wrong to miss him when he doesn't e-mail me but I can't help that either. I know he's got a wife and kids and a life that doesn't include me but thinking about that doesn't help the way I feel. I know I'm being selfish when I feel this way. I don't like that I feel this way. I think I just figured out the reason. With GEG I feel the love (in a friend kinda way) and I need that. I'm certainly not getting it from any other guys at the moment. Great. Now I feel worse. I'm expecting too much from GEG and that's wrong. Well, I guess knowing it's wrong is a step in the right direction. The last thing I want is to appear needy, no matter how needy I am.

At one point at work I felt as if I was going to cry. Now I'm feeling it again. With everything I just wrote about this guy and that guy and the other guy, I know it's Great Smile Guy who has me so, um, what's the word? Depressed? Unnerved? Dismayed? Disturbed? Flustered? At my wit's end? Yes! That's it! I'm almost at the point where I would just like him to say "Anne, I'm sorry but it's not going any further." Almost. I just don't want to give up while there's still a glimmer of hope. I just like him so much! I feel like a teen-ager when I say and feel that crap. We're in our 40s, for God's sake. Why can't I get that through my head?

Oh man. I need sleep. I need to not think about anything for a really long time.

Sick Chick

Yep, I'm one sick chick. What other explanation could there be? Only someone who's totally insane could be affected this much by the smile (albiet a great one) of one guy.

I sure wish I could post more about him but I'm probably pushing it as it is. I'm sure anyone who knows me who has come across this blog knows exactly who GSG is.

I'm still at work -- for 52 more minutes and counting. The last 8 hours were definitely not as much fun as the first one. I think it's also sick that I thought the first hour was fun.

I'm just not normal sometimes I'm tellin' ya.

TV Tuesday

1. Do you watch daytime talk TV? If so, which shows do you watch? Do you prefer the calm shows like Oprah or the wilder side like Jerry Springer?

I watch daytime talk shows when I have time & when I'm in the mood. My favorite is "Ellen," and I wish I had the time to watch her everyday. I watch "Oprah" if I'm home and she has an interesting topic. I watch Montel if I'm home & Sylvia Browne is on. I watch Dr. Phil if he has an interesting topic, especially weight loss shows.

2. Which daytime talk TV show would you like to be on? What would the topic be?
"Dr. Phil." Weight loss. (115 & counting) Or Oprah. My books.

3. Is there a daytime talk TV show you miss that's no longer on the air? Is there someone you'd like to see get a daytime talk TV show?
I wouldn't say I miss it exactly, but I did like Rosie O'Donnell during the first few years. I liked Letterman when he had a morning show, too. Man! That was a long time ago!! I can't think of anyone I'd like to see get a daytime talk show.

~Bonus~ Before talk TV took over game shows ruled the airways during the day, which do you prefer? Or are you a soap opera fan?
I think I watched every game show that every aired. I don't know if I had a favorite. As for soap operas -- I've watched "All My Children" since 1970 and still do whenever I can.

Unconscious Mutterings

1. Charity:: hope, faith and ...
   
2. Scale:: 145 (and I'm gettin' there!)
   
3. Jennifer Lopez:: bootylicious
   
4. Coercion:: force
   
5. Meter:: maid
   
6. Pressure:: The Kinks (great song by them) & Steph & Jeanne
   
7. June:: bug
   
8. Infestation:: lice
   
9. Serial killer:: a character in my next book, "Actual Malice." I was going to say the name but I don't wanna ruin it for anyone who might read it. ;)
   
10. Anguish:: pain
    

The First Four

Ronald Reagan
1.Alzheimer's
2.Smile
3.Reaganomics
4.Bonzo

D-Day
1.Heroes
2.Elmer
3.War
4.Peace

TV Tuesday

1. In the US many stations run "marathons" all day on Monday, many stations have also went to running all weekend marathons of old sitcoms. So question number one is: Did you watch any of the marathons running this year? In part? In whole?
Nope. But on New Year's Day I did. The Twilight Zone.

2. Is there a show you'd like to see run an all day marathon? On the flipside is there a show you'd avoid in marathon?
I'd probably watch most of a "CSI" or "That 70s Show" marathon. I might also watch a "Wings" marathon just to see my 3 favorite episodes. As for shows I'd avoid -- too many to mention.

3. Is there a show/movie/program that brings back special memories for you and what is it?
"Animal House" reminds me of college ... and my dad. My dad loved that movie. His favorite line was "Fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life, son."

~Bonus~ What show featuring those who protect your country (fiction or non-fiction) is your favorite?
Don't have one I can think of at the moment.

~Bonus #2~ Out of curiosity, what's the longest you've ever watched TV in one stretch?!
Probably six or seven hours but that was a long time ago. Now I have a hard time watching for even two hours straight. There's too much other stuff to do.

Music Mambo

1. Song By The First Band You Liked
I don't remember the first band I liked but I remember I loved Elton John (still do) so I'll say "Goodbye Yellow Brick Road."
2. The Song That Makes You Think Of Your Best Friend
There are many songs that make me think of my best friend but at the moment it's "Captain Fantastic & the Brown Dirt Cowboy."
3. A Song By The First Band You Saw In Concert
Again, not a band. "Crocodile Rock."
4. A Song That Reminds You Of College/School
Any pre-"Born in the USA" Springsteen but if I had to pick one ... "Rosalita."
5. A Song That Makes You Think Of A Boyfriend/Girlfriend (Love) Past Or Present.
"Waiting for a Girl Like You" and "It's a Lonely Ol' Night." Both make me cringe & turn the radio off.

The First Four

What are the first four things you think of when I say:

High School

1.Steve ... my best friend who I met in high school. I had a crush on him then. I dunno what you'd call it now. Probably a sick obsession if we weren't such good friends. ;)
2.Football
3.Nuns
4.Pranks (A lot of them were pulled ... especially on the nuns.)

Wanna know why I picked this topic for The First Four? Keep reading if you do ....

On Tuesday Steve & I went to our old high school (which is not a high school anymore), sat in his car & listened to "Captain Fantastic & the Brown Dirt Cowboy." Brought back lots of memories. All good.