Don't Care, Can't Care

 I don't feel all of this now, but I do feel some of it. I hope I don't go here completely. I'm trying not to, except for the "quick and passive" part. As soon as I get my apartment the way I want it (the way I want to be remembered) I'll be more than ready. 

Fetal position

Warm blanket

Cool pillow

Should be comfortable

But

Anticipation of the

Shrill meep meep meep of the alarm

Keeps me from getting that

Extra 45 minutes

Suck it in

Trying to fasten one of

Only two pairs of pants that

Fit me

Why can’t I get

One of those sicknesses that make you

Lose weight

Then again

I don’t remember

The last time

I ate a vegetable

But

Anxiety attacks in the

Produce section

Healthy women in

Yoga pants and

Perky ponytails

Look at me with pity

Or

I think they do

I wouldn’t do it

Probably

But

After a bad car crash

I wouldn’t fight

Sometimes

I wish for a crash

Or

Something else

Quick and

Passive

Can’t

Concentrate

Can’t

Find the right words

Can’t

Sleep

Can’t

Make phone calls

Can’t

Get warm

Can’t

Stop sweating

Can’t

Read

Can’t

Write

Can’t

Get rid of the headaches

Can’t

Care

All Gone

 I thought it might be traumatic when GSG's name came off the window where his office used to be. 

It is, but not as bad as I thought it would be. I'm more sad than anything else because whenever I drive or walk by it'll be just another reminder that he's not here anymore.

Class Reunion

 Before last weekend I had never been to a high school class reunion. (We did have one for the entire school after it closed -- Catholic, small -- and I went to that.) I just didn't have that many good experiences that I wanted to remember.

Or so I thought.

Friday and Saturday I had such a good time with the 17 other classmates who went to the reunion -- and their spouses. (Our class only had 58 people, and 5 have died.) I'm so glad I went. One of the reasons I didn't want to go before is that I didn't want to see the Mean Girls. We only had 3. One of them was planning to go (she even paid the $50) but didn't show up. My theory is that since none of her gang said they were going (even those who weren't mean) she was too much of a coward to show up by herself. Good! I know that's mean but -- f'ing good!

The Best Friend and I went together. Not even one person asked about that. Kinda weird, but maybe they're talking amongst themselves. Doesn't matter. I hadn't thought about this before but we hadn't had a picture taken together since 1976. It was a yearbook picture and we're "sneakily" whispering to each other. In the one picture that was taken Friday night, yes, we are "sneakily" whispering to each other. Just not as sneakily this time.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know I was pretty angry with him. I'm over that and just back to being confused. I'm not confused about how I feel about him. I'm confused about how he feels about me. I suppose I could ask him, but I'm kind of afraid of the answer.