In a jam (Everyone used it so I might as well use it, too.)
When I used to eat PB&J, I always put peanut butter on both slices of bread and jelly in the middle. I cut the crusts off put it in the Snackmaster, which would crimp the edges. So, Smuckers, pay up for stealing my idea! Better yet, anyone want to join me in a class action law suit?
By the way, I will boycott Smuckers until they end this frivolity.
Thursday, April 07, 2005
Wack Job
Any regular fans of Countdown with Keith Olbermann (are there regular fans of Keith Olbermann?) has seen the wacky car chases. One of the wackiest was shown on Tuesday's show. Last night, guest host Alison Stewart talked with Miami Police Chief John Timoney about the chase, which happened in L.A. Timoney called the driver a "wack job." Alison asked "Is wack job an offical police term?" Timoney: "On the East Coast it is regarding West Coast drivers."
By the way, the chase ended shortly after the "wack job" drove into a donut shop. Yeah. Like the cops would never follow him into a donut shop.
Any regular fans of Countdown with Keith Olbermann (are there regular fans of Keith Olbermann?) has seen the wacky car chases. One of the wackiest was shown on Tuesday's show. Last night, guest host Alison Stewart talked with Miami Police Chief John Timoney about the chase, which happened in L.A. Timoney called the driver a "wack job." Alison asked "Is wack job an offical police term?" Timoney: "On the East Coast it is regarding West Coast drivers."
By the way, the chase ended shortly after the "wack job" drove into a donut shop. Yeah. Like the cops would never follow him into a donut shop.
Wednesday, April 06, 2005
Sadistic? Makes ya wonder
This morning I was telling someone who doesn't read this blog about The Mystery of the Missing Car Key. He insists that my mother knew all along that the key was in her other coat pocket and that she was just torturing me. Of course I don't believe that. However, it did make me recall an incident that happened in January.
After Mom's last hospital stay, she was homebound for six weeks so I had to run all her errands for her. One day, she needed some prescriptions refilled and needed me to go to two other places. She gave me a check for the pharmacy and cash for the other things. I went to the pharmacy and told them I'd be back in hour to pick up the drugs. I then did the other errands. Then, I needed to go the bathroom so I went home, gave my mother her change and receipts, and went upstairs. When I came back downstairs I talked to her for a couple of minutes before heading back to the pharmacy. After parking the car, I reached into my coat pocket for the check. It wasn't there. Other pocket? Not there. Jeans pockets? Not there. Glove compartment? Not there. Floor of the car? Not there. Panic set in. The check was signed but nothing else was filled out, meaning anyone could pick it up and clean out Mom's checking account. I retraced all my steps for the last hour hoping, praying, that I'd find it. I didn't. Now it was more than panic. It was sheer terror. I knew I had no choice but to tell her I lost the check and she'd have to call the bank and stop payment on it. I prayed again, this time asking that whoever had the check didn't have time to cash it yet. I walked into the house, full of more fear than I was filled with in 1978 when I walked through a dark parking lot after seeing "Halloween" at the theater. The first thing I noticed after walking into the living room was the smirk on my mother's face. She then handed me the check and the following conversation ensued:
Mom: I wondered how long it would take you to realize you didn't have the check.
Me: Where did you find it?
Mom: You handed it to me with the receipts and change.
Me: You knew I didn't have it when I left the house?
Mom: I didn't think it would take you this long to realize you didn't have it.
Me: It didn't take me this long to realize it. I've been retracing my steps, searching for it, for an hour.
Mom: Oh.
As I said, makes ya wonder.
This morning I was telling someone who doesn't read this blog about The Mystery of the Missing Car Key. He insists that my mother knew all along that the key was in her other coat pocket and that she was just torturing me. Of course I don't believe that. However, it did make me recall an incident that happened in January.
After Mom's last hospital stay, she was homebound for six weeks so I had to run all her errands for her. One day, she needed some prescriptions refilled and needed me to go to two other places. She gave me a check for the pharmacy and cash for the other things. I went to the pharmacy and told them I'd be back in hour to pick up the drugs. I then did the other errands. Then, I needed to go the bathroom so I went home, gave my mother her change and receipts, and went upstairs. When I came back downstairs I talked to her for a couple of minutes before heading back to the pharmacy. After parking the car, I reached into my coat pocket for the check. It wasn't there. Other pocket? Not there. Jeans pockets? Not there. Glove compartment? Not there. Floor of the car? Not there. Panic set in. The check was signed but nothing else was filled out, meaning anyone could pick it up and clean out Mom's checking account. I retraced all my steps for the last hour hoping, praying, that I'd find it. I didn't. Now it was more than panic. It was sheer terror. I knew I had no choice but to tell her I lost the check and she'd have to call the bank and stop payment on it. I prayed again, this time asking that whoever had the check didn't have time to cash it yet. I walked into the house, full of more fear than I was filled with in 1978 when I walked through a dark parking lot after seeing "Halloween" at the theater. The first thing I noticed after walking into the living room was the smirk on my mother's face. She then handed me the check and the following conversation ensued:
Mom: I wondered how long it would take you to realize you didn't have the check.
Me: Where did you find it?
Mom: You handed it to me with the receipts and change.
Me: You knew I didn't have it when I left the house?
Mom: I didn't think it would take you this long to realize you didn't have it.
Me: It didn't take me this long to realize it. I've been retracing my steps, searching for it, for an hour.
Mom: Oh.
As I said, makes ya wonder.
More tales of the traffic-law-challenged
I'll think of a better title soon. I'm sure there will be other installments of this feature.
Last night I was stopped at a red light with my left turn signal on. I heard honking from the vehicle behind me. I turned around, thinking the driver knew me and just wanted to wave "hello." Well, there was hand-waving but not the friendly greeting kind. The honking and hand-waving continued until the light turned green. Because of my self-esteem issues I asked myself "Did they just pass a left-on-red law that I didn't hear about?"
About an hour ago, I was driving out of Wal-Mart, where the speed limit is 25. The car ahead of me was going 15. It was also straddling the line between the center turning lane and the right driving lane. The vehicle did not turn left. It then moved into the right lane. As we got to the end of the road and the traffic light, I assumed the car ahead of me would make a right turn because it was in the right lane. I turned on my left turn signal and started to pass the car. When I was just inches from passing, the car pulled into the left lane. We waited at the red light. When the light changed, the car ahead of me turned, then stopped. The left turn signal went on because the driver wanted to go back into Wal-Mart. Problem? There were four vehicles behind this car that had now blocked oncoming traffic. After much horn-honking by all of us, the driver re-thought the left turn and went straight. I would comment on the next half-mile of going 25 in a 35 (except when he crossed the railroad tracks going 10mph) but it would just get me angry all over again.
Speaking of angry, I'm not done with stupid motorists yet. A block from my house I was following an older lady in her car. She stopped on the non-parking side of the street. I assumed she was letting someone out or in because she was a good foot or so from the curb. No. She was parking. Not only was she parking, she spent a good four or five minutes getting out of the car, getting her crutches out, getting situated and getting the hell out of the road. (I'm not criticizing her need for crutches. I'm commenting on her stupidity.) I'm sorry she needs to be on crutches for whatever reason but does that give her the right to hold up traffic, and back it up for an entire block?
I'll think of a better title soon. I'm sure there will be other installments of this feature.
Last night I was stopped at a red light with my left turn signal on. I heard honking from the vehicle behind me. I turned around, thinking the driver knew me and just wanted to wave "hello." Well, there was hand-waving but not the friendly greeting kind. The honking and hand-waving continued until the light turned green. Because of my self-esteem issues I asked myself "Did they just pass a left-on-red law that I didn't hear about?"
About an hour ago, I was driving out of Wal-Mart, where the speed limit is 25. The car ahead of me was going 15. It was also straddling the line between the center turning lane and the right driving lane. The vehicle did not turn left. It then moved into the right lane. As we got to the end of the road and the traffic light, I assumed the car ahead of me would make a right turn because it was in the right lane. I turned on my left turn signal and started to pass the car. When I was just inches from passing, the car pulled into the left lane. We waited at the red light. When the light changed, the car ahead of me turned, then stopped. The left turn signal went on because the driver wanted to go back into Wal-Mart. Problem? There were four vehicles behind this car that had now blocked oncoming traffic. After much horn-honking by all of us, the driver re-thought the left turn and went straight. I would comment on the next half-mile of going 25 in a 35 (except when he crossed the railroad tracks going 10mph) but it would just get me angry all over again.
Speaking of angry, I'm not done with stupid motorists yet. A block from my house I was following an older lady in her car. She stopped on the non-parking side of the street. I assumed she was letting someone out or in because she was a good foot or so from the curb. No. She was parking. Not only was she parking, she spent a good four or five minutes getting out of the car, getting her crutches out, getting situated and getting the hell out of the road. (I'm not criticizing her need for crutches. I'm commenting on her stupidity.) I'm sorry she needs to be on crutches for whatever reason but does that give her the right to hold up traffic, and back it up for an entire block?
An open letter to His Serene Highness Prince Albert of Monaco
Dear Prince Albert,
I'm sorry to hear about the death of your father. I realize, now that you are the monarch, you are left with a problem.
Should the treatment for my current medical condition not leave me infertile, I'll still have a couple of child-bearing years left. I would be honored to marry you and produce an heir to the throne. Although, in my adult life, I have never liked the idea of bearing a child, I would make an exception in this case. And there would be nannies and other people to help raise the future prince or princess, right?
Marrying an American from Pennsylvania worked out pretty well for your father, you must admit. And, c'mon, do you really think having one of your sisters or their children ascend to the throne would be in the best interests of your country?
Think about it, okay?
Sincerely,
The future Princess Anne of Monaco
Dear Prince Albert,
I'm sorry to hear about the death of your father. I realize, now that you are the monarch, you are left with a problem.
Should the treatment for my current medical condition not leave me infertile, I'll still have a couple of child-bearing years left. I would be honored to marry you and produce an heir to the throne. Although, in my adult life, I have never liked the idea of bearing a child, I would make an exception in this case. And there would be nannies and other people to help raise the future prince or princess, right?
Marrying an American from Pennsylvania worked out pretty well for your father, you must admit. And, c'mon, do you really think having one of your sisters or their children ascend to the throne would be in the best interests of your country?
Think about it, okay?
Sincerely,
The future Princess Anne of Monaco
My prediction
Cardinal Dionigi Tettamanzi, Archbishop of Milan
My longshot prediction:
Cardinal Theodore McCarrick, Archbishop of Washington
He's a longshot because I think the sex abuse scandal is still too fresh in everyone's mind. However, there's a saying that goes "If a cardinal goes into the conclave thinking he'll come out a pope, he'll come out a cardinal." McCarrick has been saying that of the 117 eligible cardinals, 116 would make a good pope. He would not. That's the right attitude.
Runner-up predictions:
Cardinal Christoph Schoenborn of Vienna
The only problem I see with him is that he's too young. The cardinals might not want another long papacy.
Cardinal Francis Arinze
I'm not sure the world is ready for a black pope, despite the fact that (whether they want to admit it or not) geography tells us that Jesus was not a white man.
Non-papal prediction:
Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner will break up soon. He will then hook up with Jennifer Aniston.
Cardinal Dionigi Tettamanzi, Archbishop of Milan
My longshot prediction:
Cardinal Theodore McCarrick, Archbishop of Washington
He's a longshot because I think the sex abuse scandal is still too fresh in everyone's mind. However, there's a saying that goes "If a cardinal goes into the conclave thinking he'll come out a pope, he'll come out a cardinal." McCarrick has been saying that of the 117 eligible cardinals, 116 would make a good pope. He would not. That's the right attitude.
Runner-up predictions:
Cardinal Christoph Schoenborn of Vienna
The only problem I see with him is that he's too young. The cardinals might not want another long papacy.
Cardinal Francis Arinze
I'm not sure the world is ready for a black pope, despite the fact that (whether they want to admit it or not) geography tells us that Jesus was not a white man.
Non-papal prediction:
Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner will break up soon. He will then hook up with Jennifer Aniston.
Diva Drama
Grow up, ladies. And lest you forget ... A new, hotter housewife could move onto Wisteria Lane and steal the spotlight from all of you.
Grow up, ladies. And lest you forget ... A new, hotter housewife could move onto Wisteria Lane and steal the spotlight from all of you.
Tuesday, April 05, 2005
Signs, signs everywhere
So, don't ya think Chuck and Camilla should have gotten the hint by now? Seems to me there's some weird kind of cosmic energy telling them not to tie the knot. Last night, after reporting that the couple had changed the date so as not to conflict with the pope's funeral, Keith Olbermann said the new date is the same date that the officers stepped aboard the Titantic and that the Beatles announced they were breaking up.
It should also be noted (by me, not Keith Olbermann) that the prince's grandmother's funeral was held on that date in 2002.
So, don't ya think Chuck and Camilla should have gotten the hint by now? Seems to me there's some weird kind of cosmic energy telling them not to tie the knot. Last night, after reporting that the couple had changed the date so as not to conflict with the pope's funeral, Keith Olbermann said the new date is the same date that the officers stepped aboard the Titantic and that the Beatles announced they were breaking up.
It should also be noted (by me, not Keith Olbermann) that the prince's grandmother's funeral was held on that date in 2002.
Writing
I haven't felt much like writing lately, aside from this blog, which is a bad thing because that's what I do for a living. The Best Friend tells me I should try developing a sit-com based on the stuff that goes on in the newsroom. It would be kind of like WKRP except at a newspaper instead of a radio station. Or maybe it would be more like a Carl Hiaasen novel except in half-hour weekly installments.
At any rate, I don't know how to write a script. I've seen scripts for plays but I'm sure writing one is more complicated than reading one.
The idea definitely has possibilites, though. I need to think more seriously about this.
I haven't felt much like writing lately, aside from this blog, which is a bad thing because that's what I do for a living. The Best Friend tells me I should try developing a sit-com based on the stuff that goes on in the newsroom. It would be kind of like WKRP except at a newspaper instead of a radio station. Or maybe it would be more like a Carl Hiaasen novel except in half-hour weekly installments.
At any rate, I don't know how to write a script. I've seen scripts for plays but I'm sure writing one is more complicated than reading one.
The idea definitely has possibilites, though. I need to think more seriously about this.