California Bloggin' v5.0 :: Desiderium

More ranting or venting ... whatever

I'm also kind of sad and confused. I know GSG likes me as a person. And I was thrilled beyond words yesterday at the expression on his face when I walked into the room when he wasn't expecting me to be there. So why won't he take the next step? Maybe he just likes me as a friend person to hang out with every now & then. But I like him so much! It's unbearable sometimes. But then ... and this is just the beginning of the confusing part ... I like this other guy, too. Let's just call him Mr. BB. I've liked him for as long as I can remember, but nothing's happening there either. Then, there's another guy I know I shouldn't like but I can't help myself. I know it's just a physical thing but it's there. For me. For him? Not so much. Then, of course, as always ... a-l-w-a-y-s ... there's GEG. I know it's wrong to miss him when he doesn't e-mail me but I can't help that either. I know he's got a wife and kids and a life that doesn't include me but thinking about that doesn't help the way I feel. I know I'm being selfish when I feel this way. I don't like that I feel this way. I think I just figured out the reason. With GEG I feel the love (in a friend kinda way) and I need that. I'm certainly not getting it from any other guys at the moment. Great. Now I feel worse. I'm expecting too much from GEG and that's wrong. Well, I guess knowing it's wrong is a step in the right direction. The last thing I want is to appear needy, no matter how needy I am.

At one point at work I felt as if I was going to cry. Now I'm feeling it again. With everything I just wrote about this guy and that guy and the other guy, I know it's Great Smile Guy who has me so, um, what's the word? Depressed? Unnerved? Dismayed? Disturbed? Flustered? At my wit's end? Yes! That's it! I'm almost at the point where I would just like him to say "Anne, I'm sorry but it's not going any further." Almost. I just don't want to give up while there's still a glimmer of hope. I just like him so much! I feel like a teen-ager when I say and feel that crap. We're in our 40s, for God's sake. Why can't I get that through my head?

Oh man. I need sleep. I need to not think about anything for a really long time.