Self-destructive
I don't know exactly what's come over me the last few days. It's some kind of depression. Something I haven't felt in almost 2 years. Ya know, some people drink when they feel this way. Some people cut themselves. Some people get high. I eat. That's all I've done all day. I think I've eaten more carbs today than I have in the last six months combined. I feel like crap but I don't want to stop. I did stop anyway though. But what am I doing now? Drinking Jim Beam & Lime Diet Coke, despite the fact I know the caffeine will keep me awake all night. I don't fucking care. Right now I don't fucking care about anything ... except getting a prescription for Zoloft or something if this keeps up. I know I can't deal with another "sex & suicide" chapter in my life. The last time I felt this way sex & suicide were the only two things I ever thought about. The worst part of it was thinking about sex made me sad while thinking about suicide calmed me down. I guess now I'm glad I couldn't decide how I wanted to do it. Except for the last few days, I'm basically a happy person. My life is pretty darn good right now under the circumstances. So why am I so unhappy? I wish I knew. I wish I could pull myself out of this. Maybe an extra long walk tomorrow will help. Get those endorphins flowing. Get me on a natural high. We'll see. For now, I'm glad I only had enough Diet Coke left for one drink. The carb hangover I had this morning was bad enough. I don't need a Jim Beam hangover. Tomorrow I'm going to try to be happy. I really am. No matter what. Yeah. Right. I'm already wondering what's going to stand in my way. This really sucks. People have called me a lot of things in my life but "pessimist" was never one of them. Maybe I just hide it too well. I think I'm afraid no one will care if I'm sad so I rarely tell people when I am. No one caring would be worse than being sad. I'm usually the person who tries to cheer up other people. I'm always telling people to look on the bright side and there's a light end the end of the tunnel. So why can't I see it when I feel this way? I think what I need more than anything right now (besides the good cry I feel coming on) is for someone to tell me I matter. If no one's going to tell me, I wish someone would just kill me and get it over with.
Do you ever watch funerals and hear all the things people say about the dead person and wonder what people will say about you when you're dead? Do you ever see all the people who show up at funerals and wonder who will show up at yours? Do you wonder who will send flowers or cards? Do you wonder if anyone will cry? I do. My mom & my sister would cry, but they cry at everything. I can't see anyone else even giving a shit. In fact, I think most people would be relieved that they don't have to deal with me anymore. I know I'm just feeling sorry for myself but that's what I think. I can't think of one person -- not even one -- who would truly miss me if I died tomorrow. Sad commentary, don't you think? I know a lot of people have touched my heart, but I can't think of anyone's heart I touched. Nick, maybe. Yes, definitely Nick. So, that's one. One in almost 44 years of being on the planet. I suppose that's better than none, but it's still not a very good percentage.
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