I usually don't write about this stuff, but if I can't write here, what's the point of having a blog? I have lots of, umm, issues. Some I deal with pretty well, I guess. Others are a bit tougher. I'm getting better at talking about them -- thanks to Nick -- and that seems to help. He's actually helped me to figure out what some of my problems are. For example, it seemed that every time we had days off and had plans to do something outside the house, I'd get sick. I'm talking violent vomiting, migraines, feeling feverish. It was awful. A few weeks ago, Nick figured out that I have agoraphobia (sp?). It's not as bad as some people have it, but I've still got it. Since we identified the problem, it's gotten a little better. I seem to have more anxiety attacks, though, and I'm sure it's related somehow. I feel like a freak sometimes because of it. I know it's real, but it's still freaky to me. Take last night for example. We were going to my in-laws for dinner and they were going to teach us a new game (Sequence. It's really fun.) and I really wanted to go. I love my in-laws. I really, really do. They're great people and they totally accepted me into the family. I can't say enough good things about them. But as it got closer to the time we were supposed to go, I got anxious, nervous, I felt as if I had heart palpitations but I didn't. It was bad. I kept coming up with excuses (in my head) why I couldn't go. But I forced myself to do it. But the ride over there was awful for me. In my head, I kept saying. "We're not really going are we?" "We're just taking a little drive, then we're going back home." "This isn't happening. I'm dreaming it. We're going home soon." Then when we got to the intersection right before their house I kept saying to myself "Please don't turn onto Auburn. Please don't turn .... Please don't turn ...." over and over and over. But we did turn and then I got this tightness in my chest and I got all dizzy. I had that feeling until we turned into the driveway and I saw my father-in-law. After that, I was fine. *sigh* I thought writing about this would make me feel better, but it actually makes me feel like more of a freak. I'm going to publish it anyway, though, so I can (hopefully) look back on it someday and see how much progress I've made.
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